Finding Common Ground: The ‘Equalizer’ Strategy for Sibling Bonding Across Ages

As a mother of three children spanning infancy, toddlerhood, and kindergarten, I am constantly seeking guidance on navigating the dynamics of a growing family. One piece of advice, offered by poet and mother of four Kate Baer, has remained remarkably persistent in my mind.

“Find the equalizers,” she told me. “With children ranging from high school down to first grade, our options for shared enjoyment are limited. The activities that work for everyone include games like Frank’s Zoo, Up & Down the River, and Skip-Bo, as well as riding bikes, watching movies, kayaking, and hunting for shark teeth.”

That phrase has since become a touchstone in our household. When we are in the backyard wondering how to fill the hours before dinner, I think: Find the equalizers. On Friday evenings, once the children are bathed and we are settled on the couch selecting a film: Find the equalizers. On weekend mornings, while my husband and I lie in bed quietly mapping out the day: Find the equalizers.

After months of mentally cataloging which activities succeed as equalizers and which decidedly do not (Frisbee, I am looking at you), here is what currently unites our whole crew:

• Hunting for acorns in the backyard and on hikes.
• Taking evening walks to admire neighborhood Halloween decorations.
• Visiting our 70-something neighbor and raiding his freezer for popsicles.
• Baking chocolate chip cookies (our youngest participates by eating chocolate chips from her high chair).
• Watching Toy Story 5—my children have a reliable enthusiasm for a sequel.

Few things compare to the satisfaction of seeing all three children content and engaged together. Thank you for the wisdom, Kate.

Baby-friendly playgrounds are another reliable crowd-pleaser.

How do you encourage connection and bonding among your children? What are your family’s equalizers? I would love to hear your insights.

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